I don’t think that there is no such guy on this planet who doesn’t masturbate. So, keeping that in mind I’m 100% sure that all of you will be able to relate to these masturbation stories! I’ve one question though, I’m mean just how often do guys think about sex? And can they literally jerk off to almost anything? These stories have a lot to tell!
Here are 19 masturbation stories that’ll definitely give you a “been-there-done-that” feeling.
1. Feels great every time doesn’t it!
first time masturbating: whoa that was great
last time masturbating: whoa that was great
— Cat Damon (@CornOnTheGoblin) August 29, 2017
2. Yes, you are, son.
DOCTOR: Bad news. You have a disease and the only cure is frequent, aggressive masturbation from the age of 12.
ME: Mom…I'm gonna make it
— Ristolable (@Ristolable) April 23, 2014
3. Uh, okay.
If there's a sock on my doorknob it means I'm having sex with the other one.
— Ham on Wry (@realHamOnWry) November 23, 2015
4. We are not as brave as we think ourselves to be.
the worst part of jerking off is closing the other six tabs of porn I didn't even get to and realizing this is as ambitious as I get
— the garbage shit boo (@davedittell) May 14, 2016
5. I’m pretty sure about it.
If pets could speak, the only thing my cat would talk about is how much I masturbate.
— 🏁🏁MikeP🖤🖤 (@patnspankme) August 29, 2017
6. You have given them some pretty unpleasant memories young man.
*looks around childhood room* "if these walls could talk…" *wall speaks up* "dude if you jerk off in here again i'm gonna fucking lose it"
— frankenmustard (@nice_mustard) June 13, 2012
7. The tears of joy you get after a day’s, and evening’s and night’s and probably morning’s hard work!
Of course I use tissues when I masturbate, how else would you deal with all the crying
— Spooky Nutritionist (@SortaBad) July 21, 2017
8. uh oh. Sounds like trouble!
apparently i masturbate in my sleep, turns out i'm a slumberjack
— frankenmustard (@nice_mustard) May 14, 2013
9. Okay, I’m convinced with the unrealistic expectations part.
i feel like porn has given me such unrealistic expectations for sex. for example, having it with another person
— chuuch (@ch000ch) March 12, 2016
10. Not really a problem until you die masturbating!
911, what's your emergency
"I'm masturbating too much"
Sir that's not really a problem
"one sec. DID YOU HEAR THAT MOM? NOW GET OFF MY CASE"
— Cat Damon (@CornOnTheGoblin) August 25, 2014
11. Ugh, WHAT?! I don’t think anybody will ever recover from that question!
A doctor once asked me "How often do you milk yourself" referring to masturbation and I don't think I've ever recovered
— Ristolable (@Ristolable) August 5, 2014
12. That is some serious fail. And speaking of which you should try some new and better and more improvised resolutions next time. Uh, okay, never mind.
"My new years resolution is to masturbate more gently"
*pulls dick clean off*
"hahaha omg FAIL"
— Fred Delicious (@Fred_Delicious) January 1, 2014
13. “I’m lonely” *masturbates* “I’m happy now”
sometimes i think i'm lonely but then i masturbate and think 'oh. nah i'm good' and order pizza
— Deirdre (@figgled) December 23, 2015
14. Pretty much self-explanatory.
Welcome to masturbation anonymous.
I see everybody came today. That's disappointing.
— Spanky McDutcherson (@thatdutchperson) December 30, 2016
15. *Awkward looks exchanged*
future highway moment: two men masturbating on their morning commute in their self driving cars accidentally make eye contact
— BAKoON (@BAKKOOONN) February 13, 2016
16. But, would you want to ever rewind it and masturbate to it again!
[watching my life flash before my eyes] Ok wow, that's a lot of masturbation. Is there any way to fast forward this?
— Viktor Winetrout (@Cpin42) September 16, 2016
17. Okay, the struggle was real.
Millennial: Ugh everything sucks. FML.
Me: I used to have to jerk off to catalogues.
— Brandon (@UNDEADTRESOR) January 20, 2016
18. And the oldies had a different thing going on for themselves.
Hard to believe that men had to use one of these to masturbate back in the old days pic.twitter.com/rXk0zJb7dc
— Andy Richter (@AndyRichter) November 2, 2013
19. Um, you kinda spoiled my Nike ad, but you’re kinky!